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| Too Smart |
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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm
smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited
in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the
test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" |
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One day Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Pierce Brosnan were in a jungle in order
to take some shots for a movie. Unfortunately, they were caught by a tribal group. As they were about to be executed they
pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for her mercy. She said, ''Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.''
The three stars looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food
Spielberg was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. She tasted
one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of them up his ass. The servants finished their
duty, leaving a screaming Spielberg.
Schwarzenegger was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him,
but cusiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass. Spielberg was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his ass howling
in pain, but Schwarzenegger had several apples in his ass and he was still laughing. He asked him ''What the hell are you
laughing at?''
A laughing Schwarzenegger replied ''Pierce is coming back with a watermelon.'''
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| Three Little Ducks |
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A man walks into a bar with three little ducks and sits each of them on a stool, he looks
up at the bartender and says, “Could you mind my ducks while I go use the phone?” The bartender is puzzled, but
he doesn't see a problem and agrees to look after the three little ducks.
When the owner of the ducks leaves, the bartender says to the first duck “What's your
name?” The duck says, ''My name is Huey.'' And the bartender, an affable fellow, especially around ducks, says, “Hello
Huey, how has your day been?” “My day's been great,” answers the duck, “I've been slipping in and
out of puddles all day.”
Satisfied, the bartender moves to the next duck and asks the same questions. The second duck
replies, “My name is Dewey and I've had a great day; I've been slipping in and out of puddles all day.” The bartender
says, ''That sounds nice.''
With this the bartender moved to the third duck and thinks to himself about the first ducks'
responses, then says to the third duck, “Don't tell me -- your name's Louie and you've been slipping in and out of puddles
all day too.” To which the duck replies, “No. My name's Puddles, and I've had a shit of a day.” |
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the
rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double
martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double
martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside
your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to
look good, I know it's time to go home."
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her
husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How
do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make
them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He
doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes
he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold
on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really
cool trick..."
The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in
the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone
is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.
He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises
her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."
POST INTERESTING JOKES BELOW
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| One Side of a Phone Call between James Bond... |
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Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Crotchetta?
Oh, grand! It's Bond.
James Bond? O07?
Shaken not stirred? Tuxedo? The trunk-sized jet pack? We had a run in with an Austrian terrorist with the overdeveloped
reptilian brain and a predilection for man-eating octopi launching bazookas?
Well, contacting you took quite a bit
of doing actually. You see, first I tried Giganta Crotchetta. I must have looked in every phone directory that MI-6 could
hack into. Then I figured out that Giganta might be a code name. I mean, who has the name Giganta Crotchetta? Rather silly,
when you think about it?
Yes, yes I suppose you do like it. Anyway, I recalled that I kept one of your garments –
your knickers actually. And there it was. "Honey Rider" is a much prettier and commonplace name. You should use that.
Ah,
yes. The, uh... point. Well, it seems that... well, there's no delicate way to put this. I have a rather nasty case of syphilis.
And, um, I'm calling all my sexual partners to let them know that they should go get tested.
Uh-huh. Right. I know
it was ten years ago. But the syphilis is rather unusual.
Well, it has gonorrhea.
Yes, my syphilis has gonorrhea.
And the gonorrhea has lice. And the lice have some undiscovered disease that's kind of between hemorrhagic fever and
the mumps. It’s a virulent mutant strand developed by Dr. No-Means-Yes during Mission: "The Russian Spy Who Loved To
Thunderball Me.”
Yes, I know I said I had a condom. But you see all the condoms I had were made by Q, and apparently,
the condoms weren’t meant to be condoms -- they were designed to be used as a pocket parachute. Good man. If you need
to have your stapler work as a gun, he's your boy. Anyway, you didn’t notice because while we were passionately embraced,
your tongue accidentally trigged my knockout gas tooth and you, um, drifted off to sleep. But trust me, you enjoyed yourself.
They all do.
Anyway, with all the rather bizarre ailments my, um, bizarre ailments have, the doctors have advised
me to contact everyone in my sexual history about my condition. No small feat, I assure you. If you saw the list, you'd think
I'd been having sex with my fellow spies for 50 years!
Well, this is what the doctors suggest. Right now, I am in
a remote island facility. Actually there's no facility. Just an island. And me. But they'e building one as soon as they can
find enough hazmat suits. Anyway, a helicopter is going to pick you up and bring you to the island where we can be treated
in isolation.
Chin up! Look at it this way: it'll give us a chance to get caught up. And maybe once some of the redness
goes down, along with some of the greenness and the larvae, we can do some REAL reminiscing.
"Oh, James." What's that
supposed to mean? |
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